with arms outstretched we give a little love.

The sun, the air, the sea. I breathe beauty, I feel fine. I am alive and light and smiling. It's amazing, the power of the blazing sun beating down on skin, welcoming. Life is nice when you feel alive. I used to aspire to being a professional dancer, on the stage, on the road; travelling and performing and living life to the fullest. You make me feel safe and alive and happy, and I don't know what I'd do without you. You make me believe that anything is possible and make me want to give and love with all I have.

I guess I've got to listen to what I want from both my heart and mind.

happy endings are only in the books we read

It's hard to say goodbye. Packing up lives and storing them away as memories. It's unfair how change is how we all live. I just wish I had a friend more than anything. I want someone to have a laugh with, to stay up all night watching movies with. I long for adventures right now.

The weather's been amazing the past two weeks. I just long for the days when I used to have all the time in the world; when I used to get bored at the lack of much to do. I want to make mud pies and forts in the garden. I want the summer breeze and warm sun on my back. I want a friend to share things with, the smell of sun lotion and the ice cream van pulling up in every street with its annoying but rightful melody. I long for the times when we used to go rollerskating along the streets, when I was terrified of falling and scrapes and bruises. I want adventures and walks along streams, trying to pass over the rocks. Late nights on the lawn, the air between my toes as we swing. I don't know if things can ever be the same.

if the ending is the start, are you ready? on your marks

Everything comes to an end sooner or later. It just all goes by so quickly though, it's amazing how last October feels like it was only a month or two ago. I had my first exam today, I'm pretty sure I've passed it but i've got two more major ones in May which I've got to get my head down for. I'm 21 soon and it feels like I was only just 18 last year. I hate growing a year older, but I mean, this time I do feel more accomplished. Still lost, but definitely like I've got somewhere with something at least. And i'm also okay with not being in a relationship. It's cool though, I know I deserve much better. He just doesn't want to admit he only wants me to use me, and so that he's not alone. I feel stronger in general, though tired. I seem to have lost my iron tablets... that may be why. Only one more (revision) lecture tomorrow, a mock on Thursday and then it's officially the end of year one. I hate endings, but it's the start of something new. Summer's all about work and getting somewhere, I won't even have much time to think about me.. hopefully.

Also, been watching a lot of ER (from S6 onwards, Abby. Luby and Carby! haha.) And I love Blip Blip Bleep!

fragile things

Will power will get me through this. I have a mock exam tomorrow, and I think I'm going to be able to pass; at least I have a few more days before the actual exam. Then there's the packing and whatnot & I'll be heading back home a week tomorrow. It's a sad feeling, time has flown by.. So much, so many things and people and laughter and sadness. It's practically zoomed by. And now not only distance and silence is keeping apart, but soon, other things will come in the way. I don't like letting go, I mean, I never imagined it would be like this. I thought you'd leave my heart, my mind, me. I don't know if we can be friends one day...

The weather's been amazingly warm, and the sun's been out. It's bright on the outside, but it's not how I feel on the inside. Friends, nowhere to be seen. You, not even existing anymore. It's not the way things should be. And I don't know how to change it. I'm worried that your words are going to haunt me sooner or later. I'm fighting against it now, but there will come a point. Fragile on the inside.

Light, light,
bright as stars in the daytime.
Fragile flight,
careful, careful, careful.

words can break us, but words are all we have to live

I don't like writing. It's rather funny, I tend to write and get creative only when I'm sad / in a relationship. None of that matters though, I'm okay, other than feeling a millions times sleepy (probably because of the heat.) The school year is coming to an end, and then time will move on and different things will happen, change will occur. There is an infinite amount of change, and I want to welcome it with timid arms.


Spring is finally here,
and now you are gone.
I train my mind not to wander,
forgotten, forgotten, forgotten.

i never should have said that the books you read were all i loved you for

I'm finding it hard to cope without you here. I need some help, I want someone to talk to. I wish I had a true friend. Why can I only talk to you about these things; my thoughts, my feelings? I'm ill, self-destructive and you wish I was better and I know.

“I wondered which was harder, in the end. The act of telling, or who you told it to. Or maybe if, when you finally got it out, the story was really all that mattered.”

—	Sarah Dessen

come on my love, we've got oceans to sail

If falling were easy, we'd never take the jump that could change everything that we are and everything that we believe in. We're taking that jump and falling fast, hoping that we don't crash to the ground. You've been gone a few days and will be gone for a few more. I have missed you terribly, and I hope you've missed me too. I hope there'll be a chance for us again down the road. We're figuring things out that matter the most and letting go of the things that don't. I hope I matter to you.

Come on my love, we've got oceans to sail.

the lovely bones

"I wasn't lost, or frozen, or gone... I was alive; I was alive in my own perfect world."

"I was in the blue horizon between heaven and earth. The days were unchanging and every night I dream the same dream. The smell of damp earth. The scream no one heard. The sound of my heart beating like a hammer against cloth and I would hear them calling, the voices of the dead. I wanted to follow them to find a way out but I would always come back to the same door. And I was afraid. I knew if I went in there I would never come out."


“These were the lovely bones that had grown around my absence: the connections - sometimes tenuous, sometimes made at great cost, but often magnificent - that happened after I was gone. And I began to see things in a way that let me hold the world without me in it. The events that my death wrought were merely the bones of a body that would become whole at some unpredictable time in the future. The price of what I came to see as this miraculous body had been my life.”

- Susie Salmon

little red cap

a bird in a cage, chained to the sky

A fluttering heartbeat, a sign of spring, a little warmth and a kiss on the lips.


Walks by the reservoir, looking at getting away. We're not trapped anymore, the ropes around our ankles are starting to loosen. The merry chirps we now sing bring us hope and impatience to fly, to move and swoon about like no one cares. We're basking in the fresh air, the lovely sunshine and the puddles of yesterday. We're not chained down or kept apart any longer, or so we think.

there is nothing to fear but fear itself

Money can't buy us happiness. I had an amazing weekend full of well deserved rest (and a few treats!) The sun really uplifts me, it's quite inspiring to go on long walks by lakes and resevoirs. The glimmering sun on the still, cool water and smiles as far as the eye can see. I like better weather, it gives me a sense of hope. Hope that I am not being left behind or forgotten, that I am not static or unkind. Everything is better when it gets warmer, I just need more of this weather to occur now. It's sort of rejuvenated me, I'm hoping I can get on and finish my work and revise for my exams. Mum says she's looking at Prague for a week away for my birthday; something special will be good. I also saw The King's Speech, Colin Firth acted amazingly; and the film itself was pure brilliant. The ending note was that we all create fears that don't really exist, it's all in our minds and we are the only people who can resolve them. We are the only ones stopping ourselves from getting further. It was all quite interesting and inspiring. Plus pizza and mum making my favourite foods was great. I shall put up a post just for The King's Speech soon.

a destination into the sky, fly like a bird, fly.

I want to escape into the infinite vast earth. I want to get lost; fly away from consumerism and love, and responsibilities and trivialities. I want to be in nature, where survival is the only thing that matters. I am a creature of the dark; I have some bright inside, but my dark wins over in the end. I wish the beauty of the world could keep me going, I wish there were always a clear reason to stay. I blindly keep going, keep hoping.. I don't believe, I don't have faith. I just am, and I just want to be. I need to breathe and be. I want to get away, disappear from the world and it's savage people for a bit. That will help. That will bring me a new perspective. Travelling always does, that's probably why I'm still standing now. It's all a battle, really. Love, pain, sex, power, money, resources, war, murder, politics, music, carnivalesque. It is what it is and will always be, no matter who is here and who is not. No matter who tries to speak up, who tries to give a voice to change or who sits meekly, passing years by as quickly as they come. Is evolution at an end? I wish I could stop thinking so much. I want to sleep right now, sleep is the only thing I love about life right now.

Why is everybody so obsessed?
Money can't buy us happiness
Can we all slow down and enjoy right now?
Guarantee we'll be feeling alright.
It's not about the money, money, money
We don't need your money, money, money
We just wanna make the world dance,
Forget about the Price Tag.

your love is gonna drown

Running through forests, past streams and wild creatures; freeing yourself, running away from it all. Perhaps you want some solitude, isolation can be good for the soul. And you find an old house with the paint dulling, the windows tarnished and nails sticking out from the walls. But you call it your home, make it your own and all in an instant you forget where you came from. It's nice to get lost in the wild, running away to a house on a field in the middle of nowhere, where no one can tell you what to do or how to be. The sounds of birds chirping and the wind through the wild, rugged grass surround you. One of the streams you passed along the way can be heard if there is no motion outside. Trees, and flowers half in bloom keep you company.
It is all more or less like living in a dream or a fairytale. Until one night soon after you moved in to your new humble abode, you wake up in a cold sweat soon after dawn. A moment of jolting terror as the windows sweep open when the wind howls and the silent storm rages in your heart. You realise you are lost and alone, cut off from everyone and everything; even the sound of your own beating heart. There is no one laying beside you in your king sized comfy mattress and it is all grey and doomed. Warm, wet tears trickle in streams down your face, like the ones you passed on your journey to nowhere. You were trying to escape and hide, but there is no hiding now. It's just you here, alone, now.

Find your heart again, love.

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown.

despair in bloom

How will you make me happy again? I'm in such despair; a death, dying, disease. Can love conquer the destination of life? Everything is questionable and although you're opening up, I am closing my walls down further. I don't know how to tell you things, I wish I said the truth more often. I keep thinking, wondering; getting pulled down by the harsh blows of the tides of my thoughts. I achieve, but barely. I'm a magnificent mess. I just want a soft kiss, a tender embrace. I want some bliss.

I want to be summer
and bloom.

voyages

Sailing distances in stormy weather. There is nothing but haze and fog on the horizon, the ghastly wind blowing the ship right off course. All on board wish to see land, they want a destination; but it is unclear if they will make it. Perhaps they turn back and give up discovering? Or they wait out the storm from afar and venture on once the worst has passed? Or maybe they head right through the damn thing, praying they will survive.

I hope for a bountiful voyage. An inviting, foreign land. Life is kind of like a ship in a stormy sea right now. I'm half lost, unsure why I am in this state. Maybe it's a kind of limbo, I just have to figure things out. Get things done. I want a reward; some joy, perhaps at the other side of this terrible journey I'm going to have to go through.

Don't lose your way.

je m'ennuie de ce lieu

Weepy, weary, achey, under-the-weather. How fun it is to be in a cold country(!) I wish I were somewhere warmer, maybe Europe is a little bit better this time of year. I'd love to be in a hotel room in France with a box of macaroons and soft French music blaring out from a sidewalk restaurant, like Yann Tiersen or Jean-Yves Thibaudet; maybe even Serge or Charlotte Gainsbourg. Everyone would look cosy, walking arm in arm to and from the streets of Marseilles. I'd love to have a balcony in my hotel room with a view of the patisserie on the corner, all of the delicious aromas wavering off everywhere so that i'd feel hungry. The boulangerie would be sold out of bread, with a plump French man going "alors, alors!" exclaiming there is no more.


Sometimes I long for a French friend, and we'd have laughs sitting in café's and walking along the edges of fountains throwing bread for imaginary ducks. We would chase pretty French boys into dark side streets and pick up tips from wandering mimes and living statues. It would be a happy time in my life if I lived somewhere in France.