despair in bloom

How will you make me happy again? I'm in such despair; a death, dying, disease. Can love conquer the destination of life? Everything is questionable and although you're opening up, I am closing my walls down further. I don't know how to tell you things, I wish I said the truth more often. I keep thinking, wondering; getting pulled down by the harsh blows of the tides of my thoughts. I achieve, but barely. I'm a magnificent mess. I just want a soft kiss, a tender embrace. I want some bliss.

I want to be summer
and bloom.

voyages

Sailing distances in stormy weather. There is nothing but haze and fog on the horizon, the ghastly wind blowing the ship right off course. All on board wish to see land, they want a destination; but it is unclear if they will make it. Perhaps they turn back and give up discovering? Or they wait out the storm from afar and venture on once the worst has passed? Or maybe they head right through the damn thing, praying they will survive.

I hope for a bountiful voyage. An inviting, foreign land. Life is kind of like a ship in a stormy sea right now. I'm half lost, unsure why I am in this state. Maybe it's a kind of limbo, I just have to figure things out. Get things done. I want a reward; some joy, perhaps at the other side of this terrible journey I'm going to have to go through.

Don't lose your way.

je m'ennuie de ce lieu

Weepy, weary, achey, under-the-weather. How fun it is to be in a cold country(!) I wish I were somewhere warmer, maybe Europe is a little bit better this time of year. I'd love to be in a hotel room in France with a box of macaroons and soft French music blaring out from a sidewalk restaurant, like Yann Tiersen or Jean-Yves Thibaudet; maybe even Serge or Charlotte Gainsbourg. Everyone would look cosy, walking arm in arm to and from the streets of Marseilles. I'd love to have a balcony in my hotel room with a view of the patisserie on the corner, all of the delicious aromas wavering off everywhere so that i'd feel hungry. The boulangerie would be sold out of bread, with a plump French man going "alors, alors!" exclaiming there is no more.


Sometimes I long for a French friend, and we'd have laughs sitting in café's and walking along the edges of fountains throwing bread for imaginary ducks. We would chase pretty French boys into dark side streets and pick up tips from wandering mimes and living statues. It would be a happy time in my life if I lived somewhere in France.

tempus, time

Days go by so fast, there is still so much to do. I feel some sense of repetition, it's all getting boring, stale, there is no fun, hardly much enjoyment. If one does not roam outside, how can one dwell inside as a sane being? It's like not noticing the phases of the moon. Usually captivating and beautiful, it's a missed opportunity to have not seen the wonder. Don't let lethargy set in.

star no star

It's better to leave the past behind, I know what you are; the predator before the kill, foaming at the mouth for your prey. It's not a love story at all, perhaps it's the opposite. You are black and I am white. Two oppositions that will just never be. I will not be weak in your vile attempts to sully me. We will not be. There is no tragedy for you here to see.

I cannot distance myself
You were the one who believed
that only half of a girl
half more than you could deceive

I watch your face on TV
All that I am turns to fear
When you're the boy that I want
I will be waiting right here

I don't know what to believe
Sew up the sore make it fake
When you're the boy that I want
I'll be the girl that you hate

You end up dead in the end
Star no star
You end up right here my friend
Star no star
We end up dead in the end
Star no star
We end up right here my friend
Star no star

I can not distance myself
You were the one who believed
that only half of a girl
half you but never half me

I see your face on the street
Burnt hands but features so clear
When I'm the girl that you want
I will be waiting right here

I don't know what to believe
peel all the scars from our way
When you're the boy that I want
we will have one perfect day

You end up dead in the end
Star no Star
You end up right here my friend
Star no Star
We end up dead in the end
Star no Star
We end up right here my friend
Star no Star

I am so distant myself
I guess I never believed
that you could take it away
and I'd have no time to grieve

I don't believe in TV
I don't believe in the fear
When you are searching for stars
You will be looking right here

You end up dead in the end
Star no Star
You end up right here my friend
Star no Star
We end up dead in the end
Star no Star
We end up right here my friend
Star no Star

We end up right here my friend
Star no Star
We end up right here my friend
Star no Star
We end up right here my friend
Star no Star

painted skies

Underneath the mountain ranges
Where the wind that never changes
Touch the windows of my soul

I'm just a child of nature
I don't need much to set me free
I'm just a child of nature
I'm one of nature's children

three wishes

I used to think that we all had three wishes in our lifetime. Sometimes I'd be selfish and use one of my wishes to wish things were better but generally, I kept my wishes until I was eight or so (and then became more aware.) I used to be desperate sometimes, wanting to be safe in my own home, wanting to be happier. That's all I really wished for. I always felt guilty I'd used up one of my wishes. It seems all the more silly writing this down, but it just reminds me how bad things really were. I remember, particularly on scary, long plane rides I used to hope my life, and the lives of everyone else on there were safe. I've always cared, I often wonder why I care more than most.

I unsuccessfully tried to see how he was, after the email he sent me - I just thought... I can't reply. I need to talk to him, hear his voice. He misses me. I miss him. If only his idiot of a sister mother didn't have a pea-sized brain.

: EDIT:

We talked, in the end. Sounds like there is a story behind his mother. I'm not sure if I can believe in him, in us anymore. I'd like to remain friends though. We'll see.

We'd be so less fragile
If we're made from metal
And our hearts from iron
And our minds from steel
And if we built an army
Full of tender bodies
Could we love each other?
Would we stop to feel

And you want three wishes;
One to fly the heavens
One to swim like fishes
And then one you're saving for a rainy day
If your lover ever takes her love away

You say you want to know her like a lover
And undo her damage, she'll be new again
Soon you'll find that if you try to save her
It renews her anger
You will never win

like flowers in bloom

Flowers in bloom, fresh air and light rain. I remember I used to enjoy long walks in the rain. Once I was travelling back from someone's house and it started to lightly drizzle. I smiled and started running. Ran all the way around bends and along the pavements of the estate. People were staring at me from nearby, and surely enough I was probably acting like a kid. But I loved every minute of the freshness and exhiliaration of being carefree in the light rain. I smiled for the whole afternoon after that.

Nature is beside you, all around you. You are never alone.

garden parties on the summer lawn

I'm just waiting for the smell of freshly cut grass and the sound of airplanes going by, creating white lines in the sky. I wish for the nights I can sit on the swing in the back garden with my barefeet feeling the air as I go back and forth into the air and out from the reality of the harsh world. When it gets warmer, things feel better at least. This summer will be about job hunting and volunteering as well as travelling and resting. I should try and prepare for next year too.

the grass between your toes,
a kiss upon your nose.
a ladybug comes to sit,
as a butterfly whizzes by.
here's an apple from the tree,
it's not quite ripe yet for me you see.
on the horizon the sky is blue,
and i daydream and think of you.
the warmth of the sun on my back,
forever,
forever,
this time shall last.

look how they shine for you

lights will guide you home,
and ignite your bones.

a horse is not a home

Home is calling,
and it's haunting.
I wanna be wild,
wild and free.
Like the horses,
and the wind.

l'amour et la violence

I was trying to see if you were okay, I wanted to still see if we could be friends and see how you're feeling. After a few dozen calls, your sister finally tells me that "no one wants to speak" to me. That's cool, i'll try again. I've got fourty-five free minutes to use up still. Oh, but right now I am content, i'm tired and annoyed with the work I have to do; but I'm content within myself. Hopefully that won't change when I go back home. Everything's better, the heating's back and I love how i'm not really affected by the need of wanting to be in a relationship or seeing/hearing about relationships and I don't feel down about it. I think I've made some progress, I need to figure out what makes me happy and in the meantime just focus on my work.

Books about the seaside,
by candlelight.
Dreaming of the freedom,
with flowers in bloom.

it's hard to get by just upon a smile

Sometimes I feel strong enough to go it alone, and it's better to cut your losses at the end of it. If something's not working out then there is no point in being unhappy all of the time. I am content, i am at peace. Although it is cold, I will survive.



But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there

Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breakin' my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

there are ghosts in the air i breathe

Everything is so cold, and it's starting to get to me. Where did the hope of better and sunny days dissolve to? Ehh.. I sometimes wish I weren't physically living, I wish I could be a ghost. If I were invisible and I could just get on with travelling and seeing and being in the world then I would be a lot happier. It's weird how once you lose a good feeling, it is so hard to regain. If I were invisible, I would do whatever I felt like; I would get my joy of life through nature and listening to other people's laughter. I wish I could learn a thousand languages when I stowaway on flights to every location in the world. I would peek in on others' lives and sort of live vicariously through them as human beings. I would be content with just existing and being.

Oh how I wish.

love is love is love..

We all love someone or something, Valentines Day doesn't have to be hard. It's more about appreciating what you have than what is missing. I do long for a strong pair of arms wrapped around me, I want kisses and breakfast in bed. The ecstasy in sex, and watching TV together; laughing at silly stuff. I'm hoping my time will come, and that it's true and real. Until then, I appreciate the world and all of the beauty in it.

Cassie: Do you know what hurts most about a broken heart? Not being able to remember how you felt before... try and keep that feeling, because... if it goes... you'll never get it back.
Chris: What happens then?
Cassie: You lay waste to the world... and everything in it. ♥

on the edge

Maybe we're all meant to be a piece of history, just a story to tell. Some of us may inspire someone after we die, who actually knows? I mean, every life is just a series of random events; triumphs and losses through time. Life is short for some, but prolonged for others. I don't know if there is a reason for this, perhaps people who live longer need to impart more knowledge. But then again, it doesn't work with some people who do nothing but the necessary all their lives. I wonder what people think of me, quite a bit of the time. I wonder what they will think of me when I am gone. Is life just really going through the motions with no real purpose? They say it's about the journey and not the destination, but why are we really here? I hate when I think about inexplainable things.

"You can't control the things that happen to you, but you can control the way you react to them. It's all about perception."
- Marnie Olsen(Kristen Bell), You Again.

kiss me, and never, never. never let me go

I like movies that create twisted human worlds, it's so creative and fascinating. It reminded me of The Island, but a more humanistic, idealistic and realistic approach. I wonder what life is sometimes, but then, so do most people. Maybe we're all just here to be lab rats.

“It’s been two weeks since I lost him. I’ve been given my notice now. My first donation is in a month’s time. I come here, and imagine that this is the spot where everything I’ve lost since my childhood has washed up. I tell myself, ‘If that were true, and I waited long enough, then a tiny figure would appear on the horizon across the field, and gradually get larger until I’d see it was Tommy. He’d wave, and maybe call.’ I don’t let the fantasy go beyond that. I can’t let it. I remind myself I was lucky to have had any time with him at all. What I’m not sure about, is if our lives have been so different from the lives of the people that we save. We all complete. Maybe none of us really understand what we’ve lived through. Or feel we’ve had enough time.”

—	- Kathy H., Never Let Me Go

sleep is the perfect escape

“I dont know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.”

—

The Perks Of Being A Wallflower "People say, ‘I’m going to sleep now,’ as if it were nothing. But it’s really a bizarre activity. ‘For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I’m going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.’ If you didn’t know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you’d seen. They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the ‘mind adventures’ got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren’t unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.’ So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you’re in a science fiction movie. And whisper, ‘The creature is regenerating itself.' " — George Carlin

inhale, exhale

There I go, watching my lungs fill with air; with a new hope, with life. It takes no concious effort to breathe for a healthy person, we are all alive even if we don't feel like it. I'm beginning to dislike rapid chemical changes; the balances, imbalances inside of me. No more depression, I don't really want to die you know. I want to live, to breathe and be. Preferably by the sea, in nature; the wild is where I am in my mind. I am strong, I am brave and I will be free. It's all a series of miscalculated ups and downs, really. Just need to get used to it.

Just keep breathing.

what is worth living for, is worth a fight

A spider spins it's web so intricately and carefully. I wonder how tired the spider gets from making a home, sometimes even their home gets destroyed and then it's back to square one. Lately i've been feeling like i'm regressing, and it's not good really. Usually, when the sun comes out I feel relieved and sort of look forward to what's ahead. Maybe it's because this year is a big birthday, higher expectations and not so much fun. I do tend to get depressed around the few months before and after my birthday, and it is drawing ever so closer.

Valentine's, and I realise it's almost 7 years since that text. It's strange and marvelous how I keep people in my life. I hope there is happiness in love for me, I hope love triumphs over all. I think it's my secret wish. To be loved and to love.

I have all of this love to give.

i know pain and sadness like the back of my hand

You know that feeling you get, where you see someone's reaction and you think, 'i've felt that, i know that feeling all too well.' Sometimes the mind wanders into dark and dangerous places, sometimes it's hard to know how to be. The sun was out today, though temperature was near 0. But it definitely makes a difference, it's an inexplainable positive, penetrating feeling. I just hope there's more to come. And make it warmer please!

and he psychoanalysed that she had an electra complex

Am I a psychopath?
Did I just grow up with ID tendencies, forgetting most of my EGO and cutting out my SUPER EGO? Apparently these are the types of people only out for their own means, selfish and dangerous beings who will do anything to get what they want. There was a guy living in Dorset, and his girlfriend lived in London. She'd moved over there for a job, whilst he stayed at home and was basically a slob living off his parents. One day, his girlfriend was feeling the need for a break; and to convince her not to do this, the guy asked his parents for their car to drive down to London and sort it all out in person. His dad refused him the car, and suddenly the guy's selfish ID took over and grabbed a hammer and hit his father over the head. He then went into the kitchen, to make a sandwich for his journey - with no remorse or care for what he had just done. He stumbled upon his mother in the kitchen, and proceeded to smash the hammer into her skull as well. Then, dragging both bodies (leaving trails of blood behind,) the guy drove off in the car (with his sandwich) and dumped his parents' bodies off a cliff. Then he went down to London, acted completely calm with his girlfriend and explained that he'd seen an injured sheep (to explain the blood on his shirt.) Later that evening, the police caught up with the guy, his parents bodies had been discovered at the bottom of the cliff (they didn't quite make it into the sea) and the guy was arrested.

We do have fun talking about these things. Like human babies are more vulnerable than other animals because they can barely see, can't hear or smell straight after birth whereas within a few hours, other animals are walking after being born. However, babies have an instinctive defence mechanism for survival in their appearance of being cute; making people look at them, notice them, and care for them. They are born with an EGO, which controls their desires. This process of controlling our desires is largely learnt from parents, teachers etc. But between the ages of three and eight years old, babies are largely unconcious beings. They are fully instilled with SUPER EGO's, which promote guilt, satisfaction and remorse whenever the ID takes control.
The conflict between the ID and SUPER EGO causes stress throughout our lives. The EGO relieves stress by compromise/resolves conflict otherwise we would always stay stressed. Similarly, Psychodynamic counselling is about talking our stresses out, because if we repress certain memories, we will feel stressed. This can lead to reaction formation, which is an expression of anger where a person's repressed feelings surface. A big trauma can be repressed until the stress gets too much, then a person may explode bigtime and repress again until there is too much stress. Unconcious ID's can explode from being repressed and cause multiple personalities. i.e. MPD. A person can create up to seventeen personalities within themselves. However, it is difficult to test the unconcious mind, although the Rorscharch test is a good way, also, white noise.

It is said that healthy people get angry quickly, and also return to normal quickly. (is that me?)

this house is not a home

There's a chill in the air. All this waiting is causing howling wind and stagnant reverie. I just want it to be sunny and warm, brightness surrounding each and every inch of the Earth. I wish I were in vast, open plains where bright moons and forests were frequent. If I were in a wolf pack, I'd feel vicious and determined. Lately it's all been calm, and maybe there's need for the storm?



"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone. You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place."


"You know, this necklace makes me think of this totally random memory of my mother. I was a little kid, and I was crying for one reason or another. And she was cradling me, rocking me back and forth, and I can just remember the silver balls rolling around. And there was like snot running down my nose. And she offered me her sleeve and told me to blow my nose into it. And I can remember, even as a little kid, thinking to myself, this is love... this is love."

into the wild

"Two years he walks the earth. No phone, no pool, no pets, no cigarettes. Ultimate freedom. An extremist. An aesthetic voyager whose home is the road. Escaped from Atlanta. Thou shalt not return, 'cause "the West is the best." And now after two rambling years comes the final and greatest adventure. The climactic battle to kill the false being within and victoriously conclude the spiritual pilgrimage. Ten days and nights of freight trains and hitchhiking bring him to the Great White North. No longer to be poisoned by civilization he flees, and walks alone upon the land to become lost in the wild." - Alexander Supertramp May 1992.


I wish I could just pack up and leave; I wish this country was big enough to get lost in. I want to be living a free life, only alive in the surroundings that matter the most. Freedom is what many dream about, yet only a brave few do anything to escape and become free. Freedom, it's a longing in my heart. "The freedom and simple beauty is too good to pass up."

"The sea's only gifts are harsh blows, and occasionally the chance to feel strong. Now I don't know much about the sea, but I do know that that's the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions. Facing the blind death stone alone, with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head."

"Alaska. I'm gonna be all the way out there, all the way fucking out there. Just on my own. You know, no fucking watch, no map, no axe, no nothing. No nothing. Just be out there. Just be out there in it. You know, big mountains, rivers, sky, game. Just be out there in it, you know? In the wild."

a light change

There's a light in my heart and it's burning. Beckoning, yearning; it's overflowing with love. All this love. It's radiant and warm, a transcendent energy. I can feel that it's getting closer to spring, closer to the cloudless skies and the happy yellow of the sun. I want to roam wild and free, through fields and forests, passing by rivers and seas. And lips curl upwards ever so slightly, gazing into the distance of sunny daydreams and the hushed beautiful melodies softly soaring through the atmosphere. Maybe some would call this hope?

Oh, how I wish you would let me love you.

so darkness i became

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I took the stars from our eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back.