with arms outstretched we give a little love.

The sun, the air, the sea. I breathe beauty, I feel fine. I am alive and light and smiling. It's amazing, the power of the blazing sun beating down on skin, welcoming. Life is nice when you feel alive. I used to aspire to being a professional dancer, on the stage, on the road; travelling and performing and living life to the fullest. You make me feel safe and alive and happy, and I don't know what I'd do without you. You make me believe that anything is possible and make me want to give and love with all I have.

I guess I've got to listen to what I want from both my heart and mind.

happy endings are only in the books we read

It's hard to say goodbye. Packing up lives and storing them away as memories. It's unfair how change is how we all live. I just wish I had a friend more than anything. I want someone to have a laugh with, to stay up all night watching movies with. I long for adventures right now.

The weather's been amazing the past two weeks. I just long for the days when I used to have all the time in the world; when I used to get bored at the lack of much to do. I want to make mud pies and forts in the garden. I want the summer breeze and warm sun on my back. I want a friend to share things with, the smell of sun lotion and the ice cream van pulling up in every street with its annoying but rightful melody. I long for the times when we used to go rollerskating along the streets, when I was terrified of falling and scrapes and bruises. I want adventures and walks along streams, trying to pass over the rocks. Late nights on the lawn, the air between my toes as we swing. I don't know if things can ever be the same.

if the ending is the start, are you ready? on your marks

Everything comes to an end sooner or later. It just all goes by so quickly though, it's amazing how last October feels like it was only a month or two ago. I had my first exam today, I'm pretty sure I've passed it but i've got two more major ones in May which I've got to get my head down for. I'm 21 soon and it feels like I was only just 18 last year. I hate growing a year older, but I mean, this time I do feel more accomplished. Still lost, but definitely like I've got somewhere with something at least. And i'm also okay with not being in a relationship. It's cool though, I know I deserve much better. He just doesn't want to admit he only wants me to use me, and so that he's not alone. I feel stronger in general, though tired. I seem to have lost my iron tablets... that may be why. Only one more (revision) lecture tomorrow, a mock on Thursday and then it's officially the end of year one. I hate endings, but it's the start of something new. Summer's all about work and getting somewhere, I won't even have much time to think about me.. hopefully.

Also, been watching a lot of ER (from S6 onwards, Abby. Luby and Carby! haha.) And I love Blip Blip Bleep!

fragile things

Will power will get me through this. I have a mock exam tomorrow, and I think I'm going to be able to pass; at least I have a few more days before the actual exam. Then there's the packing and whatnot & I'll be heading back home a week tomorrow. It's a sad feeling, time has flown by.. So much, so many things and people and laughter and sadness. It's practically zoomed by. And now not only distance and silence is keeping apart, but soon, other things will come in the way. I don't like letting go, I mean, I never imagined it would be like this. I thought you'd leave my heart, my mind, me. I don't know if we can be friends one day...

The weather's been amazingly warm, and the sun's been out. It's bright on the outside, but it's not how I feel on the inside. Friends, nowhere to be seen. You, not even existing anymore. It's not the way things should be. And I don't know how to change it. I'm worried that your words are going to haunt me sooner or later. I'm fighting against it now, but there will come a point. Fragile on the inside.

Light, light,
bright as stars in the daytime.
Fragile flight,
careful, careful, careful.

words can break us, but words are all we have to live

I don't like writing. It's rather funny, I tend to write and get creative only when I'm sad / in a relationship. None of that matters though, I'm okay, other than feeling a millions times sleepy (probably because of the heat.) The school year is coming to an end, and then time will move on and different things will happen, change will occur. There is an infinite amount of change, and I want to welcome it with timid arms.


Spring is finally here,
and now you are gone.
I train my mind not to wander,
forgotten, forgotten, forgotten.

i never should have said that the books you read were all i loved you for

I'm finding it hard to cope without you here. I need some help, I want someone to talk to. I wish I had a true friend. Why can I only talk to you about these things; my thoughts, my feelings? I'm ill, self-destructive and you wish I was better and I know.

“I wondered which was harder, in the end. The act of telling, or who you told it to. Or maybe if, when you finally got it out, the story was really all that mattered.”

—	Sarah Dessen